Introduction.
2021 in retrospect
I’ve been meaning to get into essay writing for ages now, so now that Goodiebag the mixtape is officially done and dusted I’m giving myself the time and space to practise the art form of structured academic style writing. Over the last few years, I’ve become a keen journal writer. Regular journaling has shown me the importance of celebrating all the small victories in life that lead to achieving major goals. Human beings tend to focus on the negative’s so if we don’t document to celebrate our wins it is easy to lose track of how far we’ve come. Through all the challenges and adversity, this past year saw me evolve and grow into a fresh new version of myself. I completed a full cycle of growth from the person I was in my 20’s to the man I am now. My main achievements of the last year have been levelling up as a rapper; establishing myself in the industry here in Melbourne city by battling, playing gigs and releasing a ten-track mixtape. My achievements of 2021 are the result of around 5 years of focus on growth artistry, meditation, and dedication to Hip Hop culture and Rap music. I had to re-establish my identity outside of all the limiting ideologies I had internalised throughout my youth. When I found myself starving for meaning and exhausted from years of front-line activism, I started imagining the man I wanted to be and setting goals so lofty that they scared me and often made those around me uncomfortable. An emphasis on personal resilience, goal setting, problem solving, and consistent daily progress has been the recipe for re-building myself from the ground up.
D'Rad MC - Photo credit - Raphael Recht Productions
“An emphasis on personal resilience, goal setting, problem solving, and consistent daily progress has been the recipe for re-building myself from the ground up.”
2021 and the challenges it brought with it were a massive test for all of us. For me it put my journey of healing and reinvention to the test. I had been breaking the social contracts of what people had come to expect from me for a while and the pandemic was the polarising event that exposed everyone for who they really were beneath the surface. After 5 years of living fully dedicated to the forest movement in Tasmania, I burnt out and eventually retired from activism in my late 20’s. A large part of surviving burnout is learning to be extremely selective about where I put my energy. My recovery saw me gradually change lanes from committed social change activist to artist and entrepreneur. I stopped wanting to change the external world and instead committed to a deeper understanding of the self. Removing myself from the negative and judgmental energy of leftist activism allowed me to attract a small circle of diverse, interesting, and talented friends who reflect the sort of man I really wanted to be. Growing through the pain and trauma of a PTSD diagnosis, I saw that my old lifestyle of reactionary protest against the system was doing more harm than good. By re-focusing exclusively on goal setting and personal growth I was able to begin exploring the limitless potential in my heart. After over a decade of grassroots activism, recovery from PTSD and re-investment into myself, I now believe that the most potent version of social change is genuine healing, personal growth and self-improvement. We can fight to change the systems that we blame for our problems all we want but until we address how those issues manifest in ourselves, we will be chasing our tails until the end of time.
Paragraph 1.
You are your surroundings, the art of re-invention.
I used to think that I could insulate myself in negative environments and still be the person I wanted to be, but, In the words of Jim Rohn “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Making the decision to surround myself exclusively with talented writers and performers was a major contributor to expanding my vision for my own creative potential in 2021. While going through therapy for PTSD Hip Hop culture in general and rap music, specifically, became both my reason and my method for survival. At that stage of my life my mental health was in a terrible state, I had zero sense of self as my identity had been caught up the causes that I had been fighting for. I don’t take it personally, but the fact is that campaign left me an empty husk of my previous self. Realising the way those movements use people and discard them once they are no longer of use made me extremely cynical about the progressive political scene. The only thing that felt real to me at that point was the raw, honest, un-apologetic non-politically correct rap artists I was listening to. For me, then and now, lyrical rap music is the only place where meritocracy, honesty and authenticity are valued over phoney agendas and transparent efforts to signal virtue.
“For me, then and now, lyrical rap music is the only place where honesty and authenticity are valued over phoney agendas and transparent efforts to signal virtue.”
D'Rad MC recent performance - Melbourne city. Photo credit, David Walker.
Following my time blockading forests in Tasmania I lived in small towns, remote communities, and small cities into my early 30’s. I eventually realised that if I was going to maintain this obsession with Hip Hop, I would need to challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone and immerse myself in the culture in the heart of Melbourne city. 2021 saw me fully embrace the concept of radical personal responsibility in order take the reins for my life’s trajectory. It was this shift in mentality that allowed me to overcome the hurdles of life and prioritise focusing my energy into leveling up my skills in the rap game. Before I moved to Melbourne, I was a very passionate but isolated lyricist, fully focused on rapping but without the community to push me further than I could push myself. Moving to the city and allowed me to level up my game by finding people to help me get started on my engineering and production journey, as well as finding the inspiration to start focusing specifically on my delivery and vocal skill and stage craft. I arrived in Melbourne 3 years ago with no money, no equipment, and nowhere to live. In the last year I recorded 10 radio quality rap songs by myself in my room, collaborated with artist friends to design the artwork for my project, collaborated with people to make multiple music videos, made my own website and online store, a dope merch range, physical CD’s, uploaded to major streaming platforms and established relationships with several dope Hip Hop producers. I used to lean on the victim narrative that is common and comfortable in lefty circles, blaming capitalism and the system for personal failings in life. My 20’s were focused more on ‘changing the system’ then personal growth but once I let go of this world view, I was able to pragmatically remove every barrier between where I was at and where I wanted to be. And the proof is in the pudding. From rocking up a stranger, broke and homeless to completing a significant project and creating relationships with a bunch of people who I consider to be the best in the city. This time has seen me experiment with multiple different styles, summarise a bunch of old stories, and find my voice for rapping in the booth. Surrounding myself exclusively with talented artists saw me develop my flows, get started with my engineering journey, start turning my craft into a small business, and establish myself as an elite lyricist. I didn’t study music or production at school but moving to the city to study the craft on the street has allowed me to establish myself in the industry. I’ve now put myself in the position to set new goals and continue levelling up into a well-rounded vocalist, writer and world class performer.
Paragraph 2.
My background in grass-roots politics:
"A mind that doesn't change is like a clam that doesn't open" - Ursela Le-Guin.
Another major accomplishment for me in 2021 was completing my evolution from the leftist ideology and the activist mindset that dominated my world view since my late teens. I left New Zealand to avoid tall toppy syndrome, economic depression and because I understood that if I wanted to become something new, I had to remove myself from the safe and familiar. I distanced myself from leftist political circles to abandon the self-sabotage / anti success / victimhood mentality that dominates that community once I realised that these ideas were only holding me back. despite the world being in turmoil I was able to achieve my goals thanks to removing all the limiting beliefs and dogma I had internalised over a decade of leftist activism. This experience showed me that although systematic forces can create challenges, one’s mindset and choices will always be the major factor in determining your life’s outcomes. I spent most of my late teens involved in youth organising with anti-capitalist, environment and union groups in Auckland and Wellington cities. My early 20’s saw me arrive at a Forest blockade in southern Tasmania.
Radical Youth protest for immigration rights. Date unknown.
There I would become obsessed with defending the forest, getting involved primarily in tree-sitting tactics in a forest that I lived in for 5 years. I was involved in the Tasmanian forest movement during a very pivotal time. Because of multiple factors, the heads of industry had decided to sit down with ‘leaders’ of the environment movement to discuss what was coined by media as a ‘forest peace deal’. Being on the ground and in dozens upon dozens of meetings over this time allowed me to witness the true nature of the big environment NGO’s and their willingness to collude with industry, primarily with the interest to protect the careers of both parties. When it came to the crunch, the people in charge of powerful ENGO’s had more in-common with heads of industry and CFEMU negotiators than they did with the forest or the activists on the ground.
Upper Florentine, Dylan Grimwood Tree Sitting. - Photo Credit - Bill Hatcher.
As heartbreaking as it was to see even the ‘good’ institutions be corrupted by power and individual ambition, that experience gave me a potent insight into the way the world really works. I saw first-hand the in-genius way that the capitalist system absorbs and nullifies movements which pose threats to industry and the status quo. Under these conditions no genuine movement has a chance to get off the ground, because they know that enough individuals will choose to trade in their commitment for genuine change for a cushy salary job selling watered down talking points to the people. In a nutshell, this is how our movement was undermined and eventually destroyed in Tasmania, and how the scope of what we were able to achieve was so severely limited. Because at the end of the day, it’s power dynamics not ethics or morals that matters when it comes to effecting society.
Myrtle tree with shelf fungus - Upper Florentine WHA.
“I put everything I had into that campaign for such a long time that I completely lost myself. My fun and creative personality was replaced with an extremely cynical, negative and self-destructive world view.”
Upper Florentine forest, clear felled during May '09 police bust. Photo Credit - Bill Hatcher.
I put everything I had into that campaign for such a long time that I completely lost myself. My fun and creative personality was replaced with an extremely cynical, negative and self-destructive world view. I was heavily affected by the trauma of watching forests getting bulldozed and police, loggers and heads of industry committing acts of violence and intimidation against us at every opportunity. I was exhausted from prolonged hypervigilance and deeply traumatised by a handful of near-death experiences in the trees. A decade of activism, suffering from PTSD and beginning my recovery to mental health and stability showed me the abundance of practical flaws in the leftist world view. Experiencing firsthand the incompetence of the left in supporting me and all the other casualties of their movements showed me the insincerity of that entire movement. It wasn’t so much that I wasn’t getting what I needed from people as much as the haunting realisation that I was just representative of another generation of front-line activists churned through the meat grinder of progressive movements. And to what end? I could see then that any movement that lacks the skills to care for its people will never maintain momentum to achieve substantive goals and therefore, the whole scene suddenly appeared to be little more than a circle-jerk of privileged kids posing as freedom fighters and revolutionaries. I saw a scene where people were more concerned with the latest development in identity politics drama than organising for material improvements in our lives.
Upper Florentine forest, corridor of death - May '09 police bust. Photo credit - Bill Hatcher.
For the first time in a decade, I was forced to step back and see that the movement I had given everything to was only good at complaining and pointing fingers at others. When it came for uncomfortable self-reflection, growth or building resilient community everyone around me was either disinterested or completely ill-equipped. Once I started therapy, I became extremely single minded on recovery. Living with weeks of constant flashbacks and chronic physical pain was hell. It was extremely frustrating being so unwell and being judged and Pidgeon holed as a psycho crazy man by the community I had previously given everything to. I knew I had the capacity to achieve so much more with my life and I was willing to do anything to repair my brain, but ironically, the same people that had previously pedestaled me and called me a ‘hero’ for the fearless forest defence work I’d put in were quick to judge me when my journey of healing and advice from therapists took me outside of the ideology that they had internalised as morally superior. Working on campaigns and blockading for so long made me view the world through an increasingly polarised lens, until the day I snapped, and my mind smashed into a kaleidoscope of alternate perspectives. I went from passionately arguing to convince the world of my position to listening with the intention to understand alternate perspectives without moral judgment. In short, I stopped trying to change the external world and focused on learning what I could from every scenario. I remember feeling a giant sense of relief when I finally admitted to myself that no one knows anything and none of it really matters anyway. I had burnt myself out in a few years trying to achieve change through resistance and look where it got me. I had proof that the way I’d been doing things wasn’t going to work out and therefore I could give myself permission to let it all go
Experiencing burnout at a young age taught me to be extremely protective of my energy and definitive about personal boundaries. This is when I started to understand just how toxic the ‘organised left’ can be. All these people who presented themselves as possessing a monopoly on moral righteousness revealed that obedience to the orthodoxy of their ideology was more important than authentic lived experiences from veterans of the front lines.
“All of these people who presented themselves as possessing a monopoly on moral righteousness revealed to me that obedience to the orthodoxy of their ideology was more important than authentic lived experiences from veterans of the front line.”
Their empty platitudes and slogans are all they have so if anyone, even an experienced activist suggests a deviation, they are quickly dismissed as ‘problematic’ or ‘right wing’. Smearing those who are perceived to be ideological opponents of leftist orthodoxy is of course easier than honestly reassessing one’s views and risking themselves being ostracised by the group. This showed me that within the leftist cult there is no true friendship, just cynical, and temporary political allegiances. I had shifted from believing wholeheartedly in leftist rhetoric to practising non-attachment, meditating on gratitude, and embracing paradox with the conscious intention to see the truth and the lie in all things. Sharing information from a range of sources across partisan lines quickly had me judged and dismissed as a dangerous conspiracy theorist by people who had never done any real-world activist work in their lives. This showed me that an emphasis on authoritarian compliance had now replaced the open minded curious and sceptical attitudes that initially attracted me to the left as a teenager.
Unite Union banner resembling my likeness.
I knew that to heal and grow through my trauma I had to assess all the dogma from society and activist culture that I had internalised throughout my 20’s. I had to acknowledge that no institution or community has the capacity to speak truth 100% of the time, or to care for the individual the way that human beings need. I began a process of stripping back layers of every limiting belief and taboo that I had taken on to ‘fit in’. My commitment to these internal processes combined with the 2021 Covid pandemic brought a lot of conflict into my life from people who think that their university educations qualify them to police everyone else’s thoughts, opinions, and theories. A lot of activist types from my past judged and ostracised me for questioning mainstream narratives and outgrowing their need to be coddled by voices of authority around issues of community health and bodily autonomy. People that had previously pedestaled me were now talking down to me for departing what they see as a holy path of political righteousness. This was difficult to deal with at the time but I now understand that these people represented the parts of me that I was killing off, and in this way, I understand the root of our ideological conflicts. People in that scene act like they are smarter and more righteously educated than everyone else. But the truth is, their attachment to ideology and emphasis on approval from the group makes them blind to their own cognitive dissonance. The unadulterated truth will never be delivered by someone attached to a partisan political outcome because their ego will always force them to work backwards from pre-determined conclusions.
“The unadulterated truth will never be delivered by someone attached to a partisan political outcome because their ego will always force them to work backwards from pre-determined conclusions.”
Collection of screen shots from recent discussion in "Anarchism in Aotearoa" private facebook group.
The main thing I noticed when I started believing in myself was that the lefty’s around me seemed concerned that I wasn’t dependent on their approval anymore. It almost felt like they were trying to hold me back from fully loving and trusting myself out of a desire for control. My investment in personal growth and detachment from the ‘group think’ of the left has brought me out of the darkness of crippling depression into a new life where I am valued for and enjoy what I do. The burnout and subsequent recovery process through PTSD therapy taught me a lot about myself and the scene I was in. Namely that for most people involved, social connection and acceptance through ideological compliance is always the main priority over legitimate truth seeking and efforts for authentic social change. I was in the middle of a ideology that valued conformity to the group identity over personal development and the pursuit of truth and I had to escape through a gauntlet of slander in order to save my life.
Paragraph 3
Reflections.
Without taking the risks necessary to have original thoughts we will stay stuck in unproductive cycles of moralistic outrage. Doing activism for 5 years in Tasmania and experiencing the corruption in the mainstream environment movement showed me that there are no institutions or ideologies immune from infiltration by careerist grifters and bureaucrats. Suffering from chronic pain for years and being ignored and dismissed by the medical industry showed me that I needed to learn how to trust and advocate for myself rather than differing to mediocre professionals in sterile institutions. Life is not a Hollywood movie, there are no ‘good guys’ with guns and helicopters coming over the horizon to rescue you from the evildoers. There isn’t going to be a generic handsome guy with good hair standing at a podium ‘setting the record straight’ for the good of the people. If you put your trust in any system it will fuck you over, drive you crazy then bury the evidence. Either you save yourself or you become a causality of a power structure that would happily use you as cannon fodder for ‘the greater good’.
I had to accept that no matter how right I thought I was, I couldn’t control the world to be the way I wanted it. I had to learn to accept a world where the rainforest is getting bulldozed every day and no-one cares.
“I had to accept that no matter how right I thought I was, I couldn’t control the world to be the way I wanted it. I had to learn to accept a world where the rainforest is getting bulldozed every day and no-one cares.”
I had to find the lesson because there is no winning. I went from being obsessed with politics and social change to being fascinated by spirituality, philosophy, psychology, the study of the self and the human condition. Travelling down this path helped me to realise that as people who are a product of this society, any resistance we mount will eventually reflect the elements and conditions we initially set out to oppose. As individuals and groups, we become what we resist because what we resist is what we focus on. If we put all our energy into trying to change external forces of the world, I believe we distract ourselves from the real work of channelling our internal power to improve our lives and heal our trauma’s.
True change requires paradigm shift, otherwise the old system will simply replicate itself in different forms until the end of time. The only way we can imagine new versions of reality is by allowing ourselves to dream, meditate, write, and create without fear of ostracization or pressure to conform to a well-intentioned dogma or moralistic worldview. I believe that people commit hateful and destructive acts when they lack the knowledge and self-love to see that we are all one. Many people on the left have an extremely penal attitude about those they attempt to ostracise and label as ‘bad people’ or abusers, but this approach overlooks the potential root causes of anti-social behaviour and begs the question, are we here to administer punishment and judgment like the authoritarian state or are we actually trying to make the world a better place?
Conclusions.
Learning to taking radical personal responsibility for every element of my life helped to liberate me from the victim narrative I had internalised over years of grass-roots leftist activism. I learnt that if I focus on looking for problems in the world, I will see problems, if I focus on seeing opportunities for connection and for growth, then that is what I will see. Distancing myself from all limiting ideologies lead me to methodically remove every obstacle between where I was at and where I wanted to be. Removing every excuse and reason for failure from my mind allowed me to realise my true capacity for greatness. I couldn’t change the system to be more caring, compassionate, or accommodating but learning to adapt to be stronger and more resilient empowered me to harness my true potential in life. The biggest thing I learnt from a decade of activism is that the power we have to effect change in bureaucratic power structures is relatively small compared to the enormous potential influence we have over ourselves and immediate surroundings. Our sphere of influence is exponentially stronger the closer to home one is acting. And so, by focusing my energy into my personal development instead of pouring myself into ineffective campaigns I was able to align my goals with core values and re-invent myself from the inside-out.
D'Rad MC - Photo credit - Raphael Recht Productions
I used to feel sorry for myself for all the pain I had to learn to process because of my commitment to political activism. I had to accept that no matter how right I thought I was, I couldn’t control the world to be the way I wanted it. I had to learn to accept a world where the rainforest is getting bulldozed every day and no-one cares.
“PTSD is no joke and there were times in my recovery I seriously considered giving up. But once I’d learned how to heal myself, all the adversity I’d encountered in my young life transformed into gifts of knowledge and wisdom that I knew no one could take away from me.”
PTSD is no joke and there were times in my recovery I seriously considered giving up. But once I’d learned how to heal myself, all the adversity I’d encountered in my young life transformed into gifts of knowledge and wisdom that I knew no one could take away from me. Growing out of the cult of the left and learning to live for myself revealed a lot of realities to me. Namely that the controlling people who are attracted to strict ideologies don’t want others to love and trust themselves. They want you second guessing and doubting yourself, so you are easily controlled and melded to do their bidding.
Recovery from trauma taught me that the left is a very hostile place for men who are struggling with mental health issues. My earnest attempts to reach out for support were often rejected or minimised and every time I had a major episode the same people would be on my back criticising me for ‘misogynist’ ‘aggressive’ ‘toxic’ behaviour. I was suffering from a diagnosed condition that was torturing me from the inside out and all these hacks could do is talk down to me, reciting tired slogan politics with no compassion or nuance. I believe that the attitudes I encountered are a major contributor to the high rate of suicide and drug abuse in young men from the Tasmanian forest scene and political activism in general. I am proud to say I survived to tell my story. I levelled up in every area of my life and distanced myself from every negative influence that was holding me back. Despite the inevitable challenges of life, deciding to live with a goal-oriented mindset energises me to keep living and keep growing on my journey of healing and self-discovery. Getting the Goodiebag project out there and establishing myself as an independent Hip Hop artist were two major achievements that I’m looking forward to building on for the rest of this year and beyond.
-d.